Nothing Achieved
Lately I’ve been perpetually stuck in that second panel, and the only respite turned out to be the production of this comic. Help me grasp at the final straws of my sanity by supporting Optipess on Patreon! (Please. And thanks!)
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Man, this one really hits close to home. Actually I would say it is a direct hit.
Every day I know what to do, and every day I screw up because doubt and some kind of lethargy overwhelms me.
It honestly makes me question why I should go on living if I keep screwing up.
I feel you, Marten, I absolutely do. Truth be told the insignificance of our existence is sometimes immensely overwhelming. In the grand scheme of things there absolutely isn’t any point in doing anything at all. But hey, let’s use it to our advantage! No one will ever remember us for screwing up! And please, dont’t give up. You’re not alone.
Thank you for your kind words, Kristian.
But this sense of feeling utterly useless and not achieving anything can sometimes be really overwhelming to the point, that I sometimes feel like I am the subject of a cruel sadistic joke and only now I am getting the punchline. (you are not going to achieve anything, you will not fulfill any of your hopes and dreams, life as it is today will repeat itself again and again until they can put you in the ground, and when you are old and look back you might as well have not bothered with being born at all)
Even the things I took a lot of enjoyment out when I was a kid and a teen have now lost their appeal (why am I wasting time on this. It doesn’t make me feel anything, good or bad)
Very often I think that I just want to ‘quit’.
You have done a lot more by just making this comic several times a week.
There is no meaning to life besides to live it, we’re all just here for the ride. While this can seem utterly pointless, it is absolutely not so: without us observing, there would be no universe. Each and every living creature lives in their own rendition of what the universe really is and experience it sometimes very different and sometimes very similarly; the key point is that without us living creatures, there would not be anything to experience, it would just be potential and it would be wasted (note that both the concept of “potential” and the concept of “waste” would not make sense without us having experienced something in the first place).
I was once depressed. I lived each day just waiting to die while going to a soul crushing job, being in a relationship with someone I didn’t love (though I thought so at that time) and spending most of my free time playing World of Warcraft. For me, it took a big change of scenery to realize that I didn’t want to do what I did. The problem was that I didn’t dare to change scenery on my own as I was so comfortable with the drudgery I knew. Luckily, I got fired and (eventually) got a job 4 h away from my city. This meant I had to move, which I really didn’t want to but got forced to do as I was desperate to pay my bills (living under a bridge was less appealing than moving). As I started to meet new friends, got a (somewhat) more meaningful job and realized that there were better partners to find, I managed to break free. I eventually saw through nihilism and realized that much of my depression stemmed from desiring things and skills I wasn’t willing or able to invest in. As example, I would like to be able to draw as good as Kristian, but I can’t as I’ve never invested time on learning it – mostly because of my previous depression caused me to not see any progress and, thus, giving up too early. Nowadays I’m too busy with other things, maybe I will draw nicely some day but if I won’t, then I have at least gotten content by enjoying those who can instead.
If you want meaning to your life, then you have to make your own because the universal meaning to life is still just to experience it. One place to start looking is in the things that we are good at and those we are willing to spend energy on improving. This is way easier said than done, though, as one will really need to make a soul searching introspection to figure out what one really want to do with ones life. In retrospect, I wasted so much of my time on WoW as I now have quit and have no direct use for the skills I acquired from it (indirectly, I did learn to deal with asshats and to plan & execute strategies. However, I do not regret playing it as it made me feel good at times when everything else was misery. Sometimes we have to unlock the achievement of fiery chicken murder to get through the day and the soul search will need to come later. Thos might feel like a waste from one perspective, though I can assure anyone who reads this that the alternative likely would have been worse (because if one had the mental strength to do something more “useful”, then one would already be doing so). Also remember that failure is the path to progress. If someone claims they have never failed, then they are either lying or they have never made a real effort.
I am unsure whether I will truly help anyone by posting this, though I do so anyway with the hopes that at least one person finds a glimmer of truth in that nihilism and depression can be overcome. I can’t say how others will overcome their darkness, but for me I got helped by a big (figurative) kick in the butt when I got forced out of my (dis)comfort zone. There is also great help to be found by just talking to the right people, tricky part is of course to find them but doing so is part of the adventure.